NO(r)WAY!!!! You think it is a child's play????

The recent incident in Norway about two Indian children being put away at foster homes has been a traumatic incident for the Bhattacharyas. Citing reasons of their mother's stability and lack of hygiene and disregard to privacy norms bestowed to Norwegian children, the Norway's now infamous Child Hygiene and Orientation Registrar, popularly known as Child Protection Services has come under lot of heat from the Government of India.

In light of this development, it is but necessary to understand what Norwegian Child Protection Policies are like. It will prove to be helpful for citizens of other nationalities to appropriately make arrangements while travelling to Norway or staying there.

The regimen begins right at the point of travel into Norway.

1. 
   
   
   If you are travelling by Norwegian Airlines - if your child is over the age of being taken out of the delivery room, the child should have a first class ticket in the flight. More than 33% of the flight seats are Child seats and the parents need to ensure that they have booked such a seat for the child. It is not necessary for the parents to book themselves into first class- they can travel anyway they want. Norwegian Airlines has Aeromoms to look after the children.
   



2. 
   
   
   All children in Norway are issued with a passport, social security card and all such documents within 12 hours of the birth. The idea permeates the concept that children should be made independent as soon as possible.
   



3. 
   
   
   All Norwegian kids can vote in the elections from the age of 2. Brightly coloured boxes with buttons are provided for the child to press the button of the party that appeals to it the most. Elections are a child's play here (literally).




4. 
   
   
   The children of Norway enjoy privileges that only few on this planet can afford. Each child has to have its own separate room. The specifications of the room size are so stringent that a centimeter here or there can result in CHOR taking over the custody of the kid.




5. 
   
   
   The Center for Child Nutrition and Overall Development has come up with an automatic feeding machine that can be pre filled from designated Center for Research on Automated Zealous Energetic Diet branches. The machine also has an auto viper to ensure that the mouth of the child is wiped clean after the meal. The machine has a video recorder that records and sends the data across to CHOR to ensure that the child feeding practice is strictly adhered to. Yes, Norway has outsourced mother's milk from neighbouring countries which is mixed into the CRAZED mix.



6. 
   
   
   All children are embedded with a touch sensitive chip when they are born. This enables the Child Protection Service to monitor the number of times the parents are allowed to touch the child in a month. In general, 10 touches are allowed per day (5 per parent). Any increase from this number will result in a fine.

Spoil the child and spare the rod,

we are there to look after:we are God,

Your child is your gift to your nation,

let it grow up without any emotion

to emerge not as a sub standard human race

but a Zero Originality Mass Built Individual Entities!!!!

mazaa E Kalmadi - Tihar trials and Teas!!!

Finally, the ordeal was over for Suresh Kalmadi as he got a much needed bail and came out of months' incarceration at Tihar. As he arrived into the city of Pune (his political fiefdom), one could not believe what was to be seen -hordes of supporters thronging along the route cheering their leader's return back home.

Suresh Kalmadi had a soiree where he released his book Khel Khel Mein- Uncommonwealth Saga!!!! During the book release, he also spoke about his future plans and all the planning that had gone in during his Tihar Institute of Heightened Access Reserves days.

This is how his day used to begin ... in his own words-

It was really a wonderful gesture on the part of the Government to assign me to the Tihar unit for some months. This was a blessing in disguise as I could fully concentrate on tasks at hand rather than keep on answering the same old questions about Commonwealth expenses etc. I had more important things to do rather than explain the imaginary loss to the country's exchequer.

In Tihar, I used to get up early in the morning at around 5 am and then head for a nice brisk walk around the campus and also sometimes outside the campus if I felt like it. The walk was followed by a nice shower and then a sumptuous breakfast. Some of the veterans there credited my presence for a change in menu. I used to have two idlis, some dry fruits, a bowl of museli and a big glass of Orange juice to wash it down.

Then I used to start my office. I had recruited some locals there as admin staff like reception, personal secretary etc in Tihar. Work related to planning for the London Olympics has been quite a uphill task and hence the quiet environs of Tihar facilitated my work.

I used to break for lunch at around 1.30 pm. Lunch was usually two high fiber rotis with some veggies with less oil and spices, some salads, a bit of rice and some sweets (usually a swiss fondue which is my favourite). Second half was usually reserved for meetings or conference calls with UK f0lks. The London Olympics is being planned on the similar lines of the CWG. We had made an intial presentation highlighting the profitability of the CWG event last year. All the opposition ranting apart - the UK folks were mighty impressed!!! This resulted in IOC being appointed as a Guardian Consultant and I becoming the head of The Honesty Integrity Ethics Failure Committee.

More on that later, a small fracas erupted some months ago where the media went gaga over a simple tea session that I had. Normally, my high teas are only with the corporate denizens in Tihar - only that one day, the Tihar Supervisor Officer had come to meet me to discuss his impending transfer and the only time I could allocate for the discussion was my tea time. Who said that a lot could happen only over Coffee? Malaika Arora... I guess....

On one occassion, I also had the privilege of meeting Mr. Anna Hazare. He had come into the Tihar unit as a gesture of some protest against corruption and Lokpal Bill - we both are so similar, both of us were in Tihar by our own free will!!!! He gifted me with a Gandhi cap which read - MAIN ANNA HOON. He warned me that he would be closely monitoring me and my deeds. I, being none the wiser - immediately made some changes on the cap and it now read - MAIN CHAUKANNA HOON!!!!! I hope Mr. Hazare will not have any problems with me now.

Now, let me explain what is my role in the coming Olympics in UK. The THIEF committee has been given a mandate to ensure that the London Olympics is just as devoid of politics, money laundering and squandering, corruption, sychophancy etc as the CWG was under my management. Many of you would wonder - how will this event and how was CWG as well profitable?

It is very simple, theories in Economics suggest that loss or profit is as relative to the capital invested. Extrapolating the same argument - loss or profit in one venture is relative to the loss or profit in a similar contemporary venture. Opportunity profit, just like opportunity loss; is the notional profit made in the absence of a notional possible impending loss. Some learnings gained during my interactions with the corporate in Tihar!!!!!

If I have to simplify and explain - I actually saved the country's exchequer by thousands of crores of rupees. How, if you will ask me - by ensuring that I did not take up the Telecom ministry!!!!!!

Gilani's NAAPAK intentions revealed in MEMOgate!!!!

The recent days have seen a lot of political turmoil in our neighbouring state. Given the fact that there has been no single Government in Pakistan which has completed its complete term in office before being hit by a war, or a coup or a revolt or an assasination- this does seem to be a normal case. What is interesting this time is that the Pakistani Prime Minister pre-empted this situation and tried to seek help from America.

After the in-public humiliation that Pakistan had to face after the Osamabad incident, the Pakistani Premier Gilani was afraid of an internal takeover by the all-powerful Pakistani army regime. To prevent this, Gilani wrote a very private personal letter to Barack Obama asking for an intervention- should something like this happens. Though the letter has not become public yet, we have managed to get some insider information on it's contents. Presenting a salient summary of the important points covered by Gilani in his desperate letter to Obama.

Dear Barack HUSSAIN Obama,

Please note with specific interest in highlighting your middle name to generate some additional sympathy towards my humble self seeking assistance from the US Army.

Given the hide and seek games that you played with me some months ago when your troops came in and killed Osama Bin Laden - I strongly objected to this (I had would end all problems in our worlds and leave me job and penny less), you still went ahead and killed him. I do not blame you for that - before your ratings went any further down than the Pakistani economy- you had to do something to win back public favour!!!

Now that I agreed on that mission, you will be aware of the kind of humiliation we as a nation had to face. Now, this has snow balled into something that has always been a norm in Pakistan - the Army Chief Ashfaq Parvez Kayani is planning a military takeover. I believe that the main reason for this is that his visa for UK was rejected. This is one sure shot route to make a quick buck and then move to the UK and write a book and make another quick buck.

I approached Gordon Brown before I took up the pen to pen this letter. Brown was quite apprehensive in giving me a safe asylum in the UK. His argument was - from rogue Pakistani cricketers to ex prime ministers to ex cricketers to ex Military Chiefs- all of them have gone and settled down in the UK. This is causing some embarassing scenarios for UK's image globally. Hence he politely refused. As a good will gesture, he suggested that I could also approach the Saudi Royal Family to request them to take me as their official guest (like what they did for Nawaz Sharief) but sir, you know that I enjoy a good life and Saudi state is a bit conservative when it comes to my kind of high spirited individuals.

I also tried to seek assistance from Dubai. One of our esteemed citizens Mr. Ibrahim gave me some references to seek help. The Shaikh of Dubai, though very gentle and understanding- refused my request stating that the only hotel (Al Burj) where he was planning to put me up has been rented out to Excel Entertainment for their next venture Don 3. I am eagerly waiting to see King Khan jump off Al Burj to save Priyanka!!!!!

Another fear that has been slowly overshadowing my being is the threat from India. I am not sure if you are aware of these facts but India is currently refining a deadly bomb which can be used to corrupt and destroy our Pak culture. The bomb is Veena Malik. The war that India is going to launch against us is a war of a different kind. It will not be fought on grounds or glaciers but via channels and page 3 quotes. Veena Malik has initiated some preliminary attacks after her outburst at some of our over conservative religious Clerics.

It should be a matter of concern to you as well as two of your country's assets are also being sampled for this new media led warfare - Pamela Anderson and Oprah. While Pamela goes Dhak Dhak, Indian channels are making buck buck. Last I heard on this was - Oprah is being tested out in combination with another lethal indigenous weapon that India possesses - Rakhi Sawant. This lethal combination can wipe out the collective viewer mindset of both our countries.

Coming back to Kayani, I humbly beseech upon your kind consideration and judgement to allow me to come to the US and stay there as an asylum seeker. I will be self sutstaining as I will come with significant cash and resources. I will lead a new life in your country as a law abiding citizen. I will open a bakery chain and will aptly name it - Kayani Biscuits. I will avenge for what is being done to me by selling Kayanis each day!!!!

Whoever it was, but said it very correctly - revenge is best tasted sweet!!!!

Operation COVER UP - a LANDMARK crisis erupts in UP!!!!!

The recent directive from the Election Commission with regards to the impending polls in Uttar Pradesh has met with some unanticipated opposition. The Election Commission ordered the state government to cover up all the statues of Su Sri Mayawati, her elephants and Kanshi Ram across the state. This decision was taken wth a view that these monumental statues could influence voters while exercising their franchise.

The result of this directive has had some strange outcomes. An independent poll was conducted across the state to gauge the public reaction and reasons for the same. Presented below are some snippets from the detailed survey.

An overwhelming 92% of the people interviewed were completely against this operation Cover UP!!!!
Now, this result stumped everyone as it was generally believed that these statues were symbolisms of ostentatious display of wealth and were not meant for any public good. Au contraire, the exact opposite was the reality.

Some of the responses are presented here -

• 
  
  Ram Prasad Sharma, a retired Government employee who stays in Azamgarh had the following to say," This entire operation Cover UP has resulted in direct damage to my knees. I used to go for my morning walks and I used to measure my walk from one statue of Mayawati to another and return back from there. Now, I do not know when to take a U turn and hence ended up walking more and hurt my knees".

It seems that the general working community of the state had marked the state into horizontal vertical and diagonal slots based on the locations of the statues. Maya ek starting from the Lucknow City Center statue to Kanshi 777 to haathi 999. This unique triangulation system of creating grid lines across the state had its own advantages - it overcame the cities and district barriers, it was also relevant in the interiors where there are no roads and you would never end up getting lost!!!!!!!

So, for example my office in Noida would be Maya 55, Kanshi 34 Haathi 48. Between these three landmarks woud be the building that I need to go to. So efficient compared to Sector 64 A7 where 64 has no correlation to 63 or 65 in terms of proximity!!!!! How elementary!!!!

• 
  
  Sham Kumar Gupta, a real estate broker complains," This operation cover UP has impacted my business in a big way. Earlier, the properties around the Mayas or Kanshis or Haathis used to fetch a premium in that order because there would be an assured electricity and water supplier in those areas. Now with this operation, all properties have to be kept at the same price and this has impacted my business".

The Mayawati government has ensured that all statue-park combinations have 24 hour water and electricity. The Mayas have 99.999999999 (11 nines) SLA where as Kanshis have 99.999999 (8 nines) and Haathis have 99.9999 (6 nines) SLAs. Such strigent SLAs are not to be heard even in the best IT organizations (Haathis have a downtime probability of just 31.5 sec/annum!!!!) Hence the abundance of power and water leads to more than adequate pilferage for the surrounding properties and residential areas!!!!

• 
  
  Amit Kumar Verma, a government contractor spoke on telephone from Zurich where he had some "bank related" work,"I have just bought a manufacturing unit in Schenzhen, China in anticipation of more orders for the statues. This directive from the Election Commission has just come as a bombshell for me. What am I going to do with the infrastructure that I have procured?"

On asking Mr. Verma if he was the chief contractor for this mammoth (pun unintended!!!) project- he mentioned that he was one of the lowliest contractors supplying silver coated tusks to be embedded into the elephants' statues!!!!!

• 
  
  Luxury brand Chanel has decided to file a suit against the Election Commission. Mr. Purseoir, the legal representative of the luxury hand bags company had this to say," We had paid the UP Government a huge sum of money to have our brand of handbag in the statues of the Chief Minister. This was our marketing strategy to gain a foot hold into the non elite market of India. This new directive has grossly diminished our brand visibility and is impacting our business in India. We will be filing an objection petition against this directive. "

Mayawati government had signed a 5 year contract with Chanel (to be renewed for another 5 year pending election success) to showcase their leather hand bag range across UP. Mayawati herself gracefully agreed to endorse the brand. Her charges for this endorsement was quite frugal - all she had asked the company was that the purse should never be empty!!!!

The remaining 8% who were in favour of Operation Cover UP just happened to be Samajwadi Party supporters!!!!

Under attack from different quarters, now the Election Commission is seriously reconsdering it's decision on Operation Cover UP.
Last heard from the CEC office was that the statues will be given a transparent polythene covering so that the sanctity of Operation Cover UP is maintained and the general population also appeased!!!!!

Swayam hitaye swayam sukhaaye, saari janta bhaadh mein jaaye!!!!

Ton Ton noGOPALA!!!!!! Sachin saga continues!!!!

Dear Chums

Off late, a billion plus hopes are consistently being shattered each time the master blaster walks back to the pavilion nearly reaching there but not yet there!!!!

From Manmohan Singh to the Australian Premier to his fans to Sir Bradman's spirit up there - all are wishing for just one phenomenon to occur - Sachin reaching the pinnacle of records- a centurion century in test cricket!!!!!

Lot of questions are now being raised and advice pouring galore from all quarters - failed cricketers, politicians, actors, out of work NDTV spokespersons like Mahesh Bhatt, Shobha De, Suhel Seth etc on what could have gone wrong with perfection!!!!

The SCG test was supposed to be the place for history to be made but alas!!! Sachin walks out at 91.

Later in the evening in the dressing room, when MSD asked SRT about his getting out at 91, the answer that the little master gave stumped Dhoni to no end. His admiration for Sachin has since then increased manifold!!!!

MSD - Sachin, I am feeling so sorry and sad for you today. Again, you missed your 100th 100. I am really sad sir.

SRT - Ayla Dhoni, dont worry!!!! I am least peturbed about this. It is all a big media hype with no substance. Forget about it, let s go and have some fish curry.

MSD - Wow!!! You are such a great sportsman Sachin Sir!!!! You do not care for your personal records and still are very much the same team player that you were when you started your game. Such humility!!!!!

SRT - Dhoni, dont take it personally but this is the difference between playing with an experienced captain and a young boy. If it was Azzu bhaijaan, he would have understood everything and would help me in my cause.

MSD - Sachin Sir, I am sorry but did I miss any point? You know naa, off late I have been missing many catches, decisions, fielding arrangements and winnings etc.

SRT - Let me explain to you how this works - I am, off all people, the most concerned about this record of mine. I know that I can score this milestone whenever I decide to. I will be the first person in the history of this game to reach this stature and given the lure of IPL and T20s, I doubt if any other player living or unborn, will ever come any close to what I will be achieving.

You also need to understand the following -

1. 
   
   Once I reach the milestone of hundredth hundred - the same media which is praying for my record will be discussing on when I will be hanging my boots. I am in no mood for that. I have a dream of partnering Arjun in his first test match to see him through his century. I want to fulfil that.


2. 
   
   A lot of hype was created about me scoring my ton at SCG. A night earlier, I got a call from Sharad Rao Pawar. He told me that my milestone should ideally be in Wankhede and not in some Australian grounds. BCCI is planning to sell premium tickets for the test match in Mumbai where all the legends of the Cricketing and Sports world will be present to witness this event. Sharadji will be retiring from BCCI soon (he plans to get onto the board of EPL and F1 next, by the way) and he wants his exit to be a grandiose one with huge profits being raked in. He told me that there is a serious lack of Corruption in EPL and F1 and with his presence, he hopes to enhuse a good dose of the same into their processes. The stadium will be renovated once again for this special test match. Pakistan will be the lucky team to see history being created on the grounds.


3. 
   
   You know about the new house that I bought in Mumbai - the insurance cover for that is 100 Crore. You think I decided that cover by fluke???? No re- once I hit my 100th ton, the insurers are going to waive off the premium as a gesture of gratuity. All I will have to do then is - do some ads for General Insurance, Oriental Insurance etc.


4. 
   
   Some articles have surfaced suggesting that I need to go through a psychiatric course to overcome my mental block. I am just deliberating on some of the best neuroscience institutes for whom I can do some endorsements.


5. 
   
   Also, till now nobody has noticed that I do not get out at 14 runs or 54 runs or 63 runs - each time I have to skillfully reach to a score where it appears that - oh now he is going to make it today!!!. You know the amount of money our NRIs made at SCG that day!!!!

SRT - Dhoni, now you understand the real secret behind the wicket? Aayla - you youngsters, always busy in getting haircuts and riding bikes, do not see the bigger picture!!!!

MSD - Sachin Sir- you are truly a genius!!!! You have opened my eyes to such a foresighted aspect that I could never even dream off!!!!

SRT - Chal re, lets go and have some fish curry!!!! The dessert awaits us in Wankhede!!!

Quit when people are asking WHY NOW and not when WHY NOT!!!!!

...Circa 2012

Lokpal finally sees the light of day,

Team Anna now no longer is in the fray,

Kejriwal decides to don the politician's attire,

Ms Bedi sets her eyes on Television satire,

Anna still going strong, decides to correct now - the global wrongs,

GLandolan is the new mantra, as Anna undertakes international padyatra;

fasts are now becoming a global riot, Atkin has started endorsing the Hazare diet,

Wembley is the new Ram Leela, Om's spirited speech loses sheen to Charlie Sheen,

India is officially corruption-free,

team Lokpal is on a wealth amassing spree,

Rahul baba continues his yatras galore,

but Congress winning in UP is still a folklore,

BJP sees changing currents,

decides to bring young leaders afront;

LK Adwani is still center stage,

counters,"it s not the age but the mileage!!!",

Chorwaad anniversary bonhomie, it now emerges, was a sham,

Ambani brothers were actually hitting each other, the weapon being the stick instead of the stock, wham!!!!!

Being Tata is really important, realizes Cyrus, struggling to manage the empire,

Bombay House is now Gujarat Bhavan, Modi is happy but Cyrus faces papa Pallonji's ire,

Why this Kolaveri gets it's Grammy award-u,

Dhanush takes Why this Economy to the white house-u,

Rajini sir shows up on the big screen grossing unsurpassed profits and revenue,

World Bank approaches the Thalaivar for loaning billions, a few,

Beti B gets straight into the Bachchan tradition

endorses baby oils, baby soaps, diapers on television,

Master blaster contemplates retirement from the willows,

just after he gets his tonth ton fellows,

Leander makes his celluloid debut - to mixed reactions,

only to realize that the camera does not "court" on-court expressions,

Nandan's Chronicles- from an INFOSCION to a POLITICION - 5 - AADHAR is a bit BEEMAR!!!!!!!!

prANNAm To All

Apologies for not being communicado over the last many months. I guess I last wrote after the launch of AADHAAR. After that it has been a whirlwind of a project for me. I doubt if I was ever so busy even during my hey days in Infosys. Well, with great challenges come greater responsibilities.

The life in New Delhi has been quite different and hectic compared to the earlier corporate life I used to lead. I have made some very good friends now. I attend the parliament sessions whenever there is an interesting discussion going on. I am into meetings with my team with regards to the tracking of the project progress and planning for the next set of AADHAAR drives.

With all these tasks, I have started attending evening language course for Italian. Our CMD - Edvige Antonia Maino prefers to speak to us in the party's official language - Italian. It has been an amazing experience becoming a student once again.

We have all been given Italian names. Mine is Nandosconi Nikeanni. I normally sit with Diaggovijo or Shastob Tratoori in these classes.

This reminds me - I need to text Murthy about this radically new method of teaching. We used to spend millions in Infosys on hiring language tutors but I never have seen anything like this. We are a collective bunch with different linguistic backgrounds. Some of us are familiar with English but an equally significant of us are non Anglicised as well. The tutor Raoul Maino manages to teach different groups of Congressites at the same time from their language to Italian!!!! Really amazng!!!!

Coming to the work front, as some of you would be aware of the AADHAAR project is going through some rough weathers in the recent days. Some concerns were raised by P Chidabredo about the security lapses in the project or whether AADHAAR was going to actually create breaches in National Security.

I was very worried when I read these news reports as Chidabredo has always been very cordial with me and always gives me a smile. I also heard that the Opposition members were also planning to agitate about Government's "wasteful" expense on this project.

I immediately sought an appointment with my manager - Manmilano to discuss this sudden and disturbing updates. This is my first project and I intend to take it to it's logical conclusion. An urgent meeting was in order.

Not all things are ordained to suit oneself - I realized this when I got a message from Manmilano's secretary that my meeting could be scheduled only after 3 weeks. Manmilano was busy with another important project which had a crucal delivery and was slowly slipping into code RED- project ANNAhilation. I was consoled by his secretary that in the coming days, nothing much would occupy mindspace other than this project. He advised me to take a couple of days off and cool my heels. This again made me wonder - how efficient is the Governmental system. Resources were given adequate time off when their projects were not at a stage of delivery - so unlike of my previous culture of 8 hours work day. So many things companies need to learn!!!!!

I took a week off and came back to Bangalore to spend some time with my family. No sooner that I planned to meet up with my old friends - I got an urgent summon back in New Delhi. Promptly, I had to cut my vacation short and head back without any clue of why this sudden change in plans. I spoke to my team if there were any more fresh salvos from Chidabredo or the Opposition and they confirmed negative.

As soon as I reached my office, Manmilano's secretary was waiting for me: tense and pensive. He told me that the High Command Unit of the party was awaiting me. Probably for the first time in my life - I was nervous and tense. I went into this room - Manmilano, Raoul and our CMD Edvige Antonia were waiting for me. The meeting was very brief and to the point. In next 24 hours, I needed to get AADHAAR cards for our dissatisfied customer Anna Hazare and his team members so that project ANNAhilation can be put on track. I was so mighty impressed with this quick briefing. What levels of excellence are maintained for customer satisfaction!!!!! Another interesting anecdote to be shared with Murthy.

As told in the meeting, I discharge my dutie with aplomb and send an email to Manmilano once the task is done.

Next day in the papers, I read about some members of Anna Hazare being sent notices about IT evasion and some other related articles about donations received for flight tickets being diverted into donations etc.

MERE COINCIDENCE, I think and continue reading the rest of the paper.

Anna Haafiz

Nandosconi

unCONTROVERSIALLY yours

LOCATION
ISLAMABAD SPORTS INSTITUTION Office

PURPOSE
Interview

SUBJECT
Shoaib Akhtar

OCCASION
Book Release Review - unCONTROVERSIALLY yours!!!!

A sudden media carnage began the moment Shoaib Akhtar announced the release of his first literary outing - an autobiography, inaptly titled unCONTROVERSIALLY yours. His revelations from the passages of the book created what the covert intent was!!!! A fully flowing free fund publicity exercise without having much to do than to dress up nattily and camp at television news studios. That the public outcry would be so deafening was not planned for - the book release was kept on hold and Shoaib packed off to Pakistan. The ever-so-persistent-me could not wait further to unravel the biggest truths of the cricket world - maestros' fear factors!!!! In my attempt to get behind the prose and unravel the facts, here I am at the ISI office in Islamabad, in conversation with Shoaib Akhtar.

ME
So Shoaib, how does it feel to be back from India- bruised and banished?

SA
Oh, no... not at all... I mean I had a whale of a time in India.

ME
But, your book release did not happen in Mumbai as was planned and your publisher is contemplating the printing of any fresh copies so how do you justify that you had a whale of a time.

SA
That's what I mentioned, I had a time like a whale who is pulled out of water while being fished. As for my publisher not printing more copies - we are planning to sell this as a limited edition series in the UK. There will be a book launch in London in the coming days.

ME
Wow!!!! You have managed quite a coup!!!! From Mumbai to London!!!!

SA Yes- all Pakistani cricketers (present or ex) go to the UK and wash our dirty linen and live a semi dignified life. When our country slams us and shuns us- London becomes a safe haven for us. Butt is also planning a cricket academy in London as he is planning to permanently base himself out of London as his court case is going on.

ME
Ok, Shoaib - point taken. Now coming to the most important questions that I want to cover in this interview:-
Was Sachin really afraid of your bowling?
What raw deal did you get from Shahrukh Khan?

SA
Good that you have raised these questions. The Indian media never gave me a chance to explain what I was trying to explain for quite sometime before the book was launched. I have written what is the truth. Why should I be afraid of writing the truth?

ME
Calm down, can you narrate the entire incident on the day when you felt Sachin was afraid of you or was this a regular feeling?

SA (picking up a copy of the book) - This is a recurring feeling I get on a regular basis. I am being categorical that on some days and in some matches - I could sense a palpable fear in Sachin. There used to be a dot of a worry in his eye when I used to bowl to him. At other times, he used to be his usual self. If you go through the book, I have explained things in great detail.

It was a dreadful morning after a night of partying and alcohol. My head was spinning and aching away to glory. Today was the first match against India and we were in Kolkatta Eden Gardens. I was obviously not looking in my element. The team meeting was happening in front of me but it was all a blur for me to fathom anything. Wasim bhai came up to me and gave me a white tablet and told me to take it - it would make me feel better. Asprin, I thought and took it. Within a couple of minutes- the metamorphosis was amazing!!!! The throbbing pain had given way to a light-headed feeling and I felt so fluffy and light. I was chatting away to a dozen with somebody ...or was I chatting with myself?

As I walked into the ground, the chilly English weather was a perfect companion to my energized demeanour. I had to bowl the first over. The only befuddling thought that minorly scrapped through my head was - why were there no Pakistani crowds in the stands today? Normally Essex is full of them.... probably they would come in later...

As I started measuring my steps for the run up, I could literally feel the cold wind hit my visage with an unrestrained fury. Sachin was taking his guard. Why was he trembling? I am sure I could see his legs wobble and go unsteady... this in turn brought out the lion in me. Even as I started taking my run up, I was shouting and grunting... there it was .... I could see in Sachin's eye - a distinct worry in his eyes... about my pace and the speed of delivery I guess!!!!

I came in and bowled at a super hurricane speed. What happened after that remains unclear to me till this day. There was a dazzling of light, a crackle of sound and the next thing I remember is Wasim bhai walking up to me and telling me to bowl slow and then take a break after the last delivery of the over. I had a I was doing an action replay a couple of times and recollect that each action replay was followed by a crackle of a sound. Just as the action replay got over, I was told that my over was done and that I could proceed to the pavilion.
As I walked back to the dressing room - I remember with a clear distinction - India was at 36 runs for no wicket. I was feeling elated in my head - we have restricted India to only 36 in the entire match!!!!! Then I just hit the dressing room and slept off the entire day.

This is the excerpt that was taken up. I swear I saw Sachin trembling that day.

ME
Shoaib, but as per what you have described - I believe you were under the influence of some drug. Sachin was not afraid of you but was afraid for you. He was afraid that you may just blow up under the influence of the drug and may do something foolish like hitting the batsman or abusing the umpire etc. By the way, the dazzle and the crackle you described was the sixer that Sachin hit for each of your 6 deliveries in that match.

SA
All I have been saying is that I am being quoted out of context. Nobody was willing to listen to me. Imran bhai went to the extent of calling me a dope-headed maniac. I guess I forgot to mention that I was doped in the match during the interviews :)

ME
Well, nobody can blame you as well... you wanted free publicity and you got it but it was just too much to be managed that it became a problem.

SA
Yes- that s something that I had not anticipated. I think I overdid it. Watching too much of Rakhi Sawant interviews was the culprit. My media manager was earlier handling Rakhi's media briefings. I have learnt my lesson.

ME
Now coming to the next important question, what problems do you have with Shahrukh Khan?
SA
Well, I came to IPL into KKR with the only one intention and that was to get myself a firm footing into Bollywood. Earlier I was into discussions with Mahesh Bhatt but he offered me a negative role. Now, I have always been a bad man in my real life, if I played the same in my reel life, I would not be acting. Hence I refused.
Bhatts were making Jannat at that time and they wanted me in that movie. Mahesh Bhatt felt that this would be the best launch pad for me as I just had do to what I do in my normal life only that it would be in front of a camera.
At that time, Shahrukh bhai told me that he was looking for a fresh face for his upcoming production. Shahrukh told me that he was looking for a lead role for his home production. I am now repenting for refusing that one as well. The role was that of Ra.One

the FAST aNd the SpUriOus!!!!

Over the last couple of months, many a political drama has been played out. Some good and welcome (Main bhi Anna Hoon) and well, some not (Rahul baba's blink-and-you-miss-it role in the Parliament. Sonia's not-so-secret treatment for a secret illness was missed by Arun Jaitley and Sushmaji. Does the UPA Chief have not trust in the nation's medical infrastructure?

Of course the dichotomous (I hope I got this right as I am not from an elite educational background) dichotomy raised by Mani Shankar to taxonomize St. Stephens and Hans Raj alumni was one more feather on his feathered gaffs!!!!!

One common trend that has emerged over the course of the events in the recent days is - a more egalitarian route towards fame and instant stardom. A force so potent that no army can fight it, a tool so effective that garners mass hysteria - FASTING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The fasting regime has been quite a contrarian phenomenon from the ostentations exhibited by our political fraternity just some months ago (refer to my piece on that as well here....).

Some of the fastings have been fiascos in their aim to achieve their ends (Baba Ramdev's great escape was worth its footage on national media). Some have been so effective that it brought the Parliament to it's knees (Anna Hazare).

As I compose this piece - Narendrabhai Modi has galvanized the BJP cadre and ranks to celebrate his 61st birthday with a 3 day fast christened as Sadbhavna. The 3 day extravaganza can hardly merit any egalitarian or spartan perception that the word FAST invokes. Tax payers' money is being spent on lavish buffet for the non fasting celebrities and normal fare for his hired followers.

Though, not getting into the details of this particular fast (it has achieved it's objective though, of projecting Modi as the BJP's prospect at the next General Elections).

Some of the fasts are being planned for the future and for more interesting agenda. Let us sneek a peek into some of the more interesting ones:-

M S Dhoni is planning a fast in the coming days. His fast is a pseudo acknowledgement of the English disaster that his team has recently come out of. Since all options were tried out, the divine intervention in this case is but expected. There will be some ad shoots along the peripheries of the fast with present and past cricket celebrities scheduled to drop in for some friendly matches and free coaching for the wannabes. The event is likely to be telecast live across the world and negotiations are on between BCCI with leading broadcasters.

Suresh Kalmadi is planning a fast unto fie event. He is plannning to have a big extravagant fast with themed English breakfast buffet in UK (preferably Lords) to demand to have the next Olympics (post London) in India. His is currently busy working out the modalities for the same. There is only one small glitch that he is still stuck in Tihar but that is not denting any of his efforts as he seldom fathoms or realizes that he is a jailed undertrial- God bless Amnesia.

Nitin Gadkari is planning a fast before the blast event. This event is on the request of his personal physicians who have warned him that his stomach may just blast apart if he does nothing about it. Gadkari is planning this fast at the lawns of a five star hotel in the capital with some light upvaas khaana (items permitted during religious fastings) like Sabudana khichdi, sabudana wada, faral, sev, aaloowadi (not the famed batata wada of Maharashtra). He plans to be on a strict diet during his fast for one day with consuming only a couple of plates of these savouries.

Not to be left behind, Sharad Pawar is planning a fast. This is for no particular reason but to pray for his betterment and prosperity. Poor chap, he thought he had to disclose what was in his wallet on that day in the Parliament when the PM mandated his ministers to declare their assets. Pawarji checked his wallet and replied 12 crore.

Amidst all these plannings, Sonu Nigam, Arindam Bhattacharya, Kailash Kher and Kiran Bedi are busy preparing themselves to regale the audience who would be thronging these events in the coming days.

Om Puri has already begun stocking up his bar as well!!!!!

When Manmohan Singh was quizzed on these developments and how his Government was planning to tackle the crowds and possible political repercussions that may emerge thereafter, he calmly smiled.

This is what the PMO issued as a communication," Manmohan Singhji has been on maun vrat for so many years now that he has been the PM, what are these small fasts in comparison?"

Something to be taken as a lesson by DigVijay Singh perhaps???

ARRACKshun : PROHIBITION

Circa August 2012,

The last couple of days have seen such a media frenzy over the very prolific Prakash Jha's latest Magnum Opus AARAKshun : PROHIBITION. The movie stars Amitabh Bachchan, Saif Ali Khan,Prateik Babbar and Deepika Padukone - the same cast as his earlier movie.

Lot of attention and media space has been consumed by this controversial movie which tries to question some of the age old and seeped-in-tradition rituals.

The initial trigger was set when the Censor Board for Film Certification demanded some cuts and

gave the movie and A Only certificate. For the first time in the annals of Bollywood's history, A did not indicate Adults but Alcoholics.

Jha, who is known to make slice-of-life movies which question stereotypes and challenge conventional accepted societal norms; is not new to controversies. Let us trudge back (or should I say stagger back) a year into the past when his previous offering AARAKSHAN : RESERVATION had run into rough weathers.

And what a media ringmarole it had become!!!! Our ever-so-busy-to-attend-to-work politicians gunned after Jha for a preview of the movie claiming that the movie hurt the Dalit sentiment and that the film had all the characteristics of causing communal or social unrest.

The movie was initially banned in the states of UP, Andhra Pradesh and Punjab fearing social backlash and loss of the vote bank.

But what a cinematic climax this circus had and how!!!!

As anticipated, the release of the movie saw a huge unrest and there were a plethora of protest marches, litigations against Jha, silent protests etc... but from the most unexpected quarters of the civil society!!!!!

The COCKERS (COaching Classes for Knowledge and Education Repletion from the Society) took law into their own hands and went on a rampage across theatres showing AARAKSHAN. Otherwise silent, mild mannered and docile professors could be seen pelting stones and shouting slogans at these marches.

The COCKERS objected to the incorrect portrayal of their business and trade. They objected to the fact that the movie would corrupt the young impressionable minds of the students and may actually encourage them to start going to college and attend lectures. Demands were made that the last budget's taxes levied on this trade be revoked!!!

At the end, like in most real life stories, well, nothing much happened. The movie ran successfully and raked in huge profits and the protests weened out as the exam season was approaching.

The annual awards season saw a slew of trophies being bagged by the ARAKSHAN cast and crew.

Coming back to the present...

ARRACKshun has run into rough weathers and this time the protests are more poignant, stronger, intensive and SPIRITED!!!!

The movie supposedly tries to uphold the practice of abstinence as the core theme of its story... or so are the rumours doing the rounds. If the promos are any indication, not much is evident from the songs being aired on the TV channels. There is one bar song with guest appearances from Raja Chaudhury, Salman Khan, Aditya Panscholi, Dharampa ji... basically our tinseltown personalities with a leaning towards Bachchus!!!

Political leaders are demanding individual exclusive screenings of the movie prior to it's release and Jha is in no mood to relent this time. The movie is also facing huge threat of ligitation from BEVDAS (BEVerages DAarus and Sharaabs)- an obscure unknown local hooch union that the movie is threatening their livelihood and this is in direct conflict with the fundamental rights of citizens under the constitution.

Kerala has banned the movie giving a justification that the name of the movie is an insult on the state drink Arrack. If ARRACK is shunned, the Govt. feared large scale dehydration.

Punjab has banned the movie. The justification being if the movie is anti-drinking, what would a normal Punjabi do after sun sets if he does not drink. This is also in conjunction where Govt of Punjab in association with the erstwhile Royal Family of Patiala is trying to patent the Patiala Peg across the globe. The movie has come in at the wrong time!!!!

Uttar Pradesh has banned the movie. The justification being law and order problems. So much bribes are taken to give the THEKA licenses that people may result in violence if the movie is released.

Goa has banned the movie. The justification being that it may adversely impact tourism and Feni consumption.

Maharashtra has allowed only citizens less than 25 years to watch the movie. The logic being, one needs to be 25 to consume alcohol so no point in fearing any backlash from the non consuming age group!!!

West Bengal has banned the movie. The justification being.... well does one need any justification to ban things in WB?

The only state which has whole-heartedly welcomed the movie release has been Gujarat. Narendrabhai Modi has requested Jha to hold a special premiere in Gujarat for his movie.

Jha is planning to move Supreme Court against the state bans. He is arguing that let the masses first watch the movie and then decide if it is objectionable or not.

He has now realized that let better sense prevail. He is adopting the same strategy he opted for his last movie - release the movie wherever there are no bans, after the first day, most states will just quietely revoke the ban.

What is in store for ARRACKshun when the movie hits the screens? Will there be another faux pas like AARAKSHAN's supposed-take on reservation but eventual take on COCKERS?

Time will tell......

Or my next piece....

Sriky
http://www.ideasinfinitum.blogspot.com/

RakHi's SwayamWAR - ajab BHES mein gazab JAWAANIYAAN!!!

The recent days have been pretty tumultuous across domains of politics with Yeddy shouting I am not READY to Madam undergoing a surgery in US (speaking volumes of the health care system in our country under her Government that prompted her to take a phoren tour!!!).

Talking of foreign tours, the Pakistani bomb that dropped on India created quite a flutter across the nation. In a nation where a young leader is usually on the wrong side of 50, Hina Rabbani Khar's first visit after assuming the role of the Foreign Minister made all the right kind of noises.

From the Hermes Birkin bag to the Cavalli sunglasses - the fashionista here was quite impressed.

Last heard on this front was, Rashtriya Mahila Saansad Parivahan, the doyen of our lady politicians have moved a motion in the parliament sanctioning the procurement and disbursement of Hermes bags and Cavalli sunglasses to all the women parliamentarians!!!

The other big event that made many eyeballs swirl with pride and envy (no, Onida was not offering any discounts!!!!)

Rakhi Sawant made all the news this time. She has now started a new show Ajab Desh ki Gazab Kahaniyan (or something similar.....)

This is not why she is making news. She is making news because after an unsuccessful attempt to find herself an approrpriate groom in the telly show Rakhi Ka Swayamwar, she has now found her Mr. Right!!!!!

This Mr. Right happens to be Baba Ramdev. Rakhi has had an affliction towards Babas. After her announcement to the world that she found Rahul Baba quite hot, not it is the time for Ramdev to be the cynosure of Rakhi's attention (and devotion and adulation and seduction and many other tions that I would just care to shun!!!).

The following were some of her motherhood (oops she is still a kunwari kanya!!!) statements at a recently called press conference.

She made her entry around an hour late and apologized that her luggage had been lost in a flight transit and hence she had to make it to the venue in an itsy-bitsy garment camouflaging as a dress!!!!
"My sarees have been misplaced by the airport authorities", she shouted hoarse, accusing the airline of forcing her to dress provocatively. But that she being a Bharatiya naari, she tried covering herself with whatever clothing she could make do with!!!!! Well, one member from the fourth estate was commenting that she hardly leaves anything for imagination!!!

She began the press meet by openly declaring her love, adulation, fascination, emotion and motion for Baba Ramdev. My Swami, as she likes to call him. "Woh jab andhar baahar andhar baahar karte hain, to mujhe kuchh kuchh hota hai!!!!", she claimed. And before any further controversies could be invited, as an after thought she added coyly - saansein.

Obviously the reporters there were plain disappointed after the caveat. You do not come to a Rakhi Sawant press conference and do not get any spice!!!

One scribe raised a pertinent query whether Ms. Sawant had recently met Baba Ramdev or how did they get introduced to each other.

Rakhi, without batting an eyelid replied back," Mera unke saath mel milaap ho chukaa hai. Jismon ka milna sirf milna nahin hota, aatma se aatma ka milna bhi milna hota hai. Main unke aashram jaane waali hoon ya woh yahan mere show pe aayenge. Agar main unke aashram gayi to hum donon ek saath bhook anshan rakhenge aur woh mujhe apne saare paitrein sikhaayenge. Agar woh mere show pe aayenge to main unke liye saatvik aur paavan nritya karoongi."

On being probed further, Rakhi revealed that she would be performing to one of her favourite songs,

Bach ke rehna re BABA, bach ke rehna re,

Bach ke rehna re BABA tujh pe nazar hai,

Tere liye aayi teri hai deewani,

Chumein naachein gaayein hum sang tumhaare sang tumhaare

Bachke rehna re BABA, bach ke rehna re!!!!

She also revealed that she would be proposing marriage to him over Television and it would be covered live by national as well as international channels.

The cumulative package deal for broadcasting the live proposal and the subsequent nuptials will be fetching an unimaginable amount.

She also announced that both Baba and she would be shifting to Baba's island in Scotland post marriage and Baba Ramdev would be focussing on building his empire across Europe while she would be trying her talent in European television.

After the press conference, some scribes managed to get the following statement from Baba Ramdev -

"Hum to kabhi ke humaare bhakton ke ho chuke. Rakhiji ko hum dil o jaan se bulaana chaahte hain apne aashram mein. Agle hafte mein hi mahotsav ho sakta hai. Hum donon zindagi bhar ek atooth bandhan mein bandhne jaa rahe hain."

The newbyte hungry scribes were excited beyond control. Their television channels had enough fodder for the next couple of weeks!!!!!

Lastly Baba added, "agle hafte Raksha Bandhan jo hai, Rakhi ke haathon se Raakhi bandhwaane mein humein bahut khushi hogi!!!"

hIgH VAULTage TrEaSuReS TuMbLiNg OuT of TemPles' PrEciNcts!!!!!

Dear Chums

The last couple of days were full of so many events (it seems that something interesting always keeps on happening nowadays unlike the days of the yore).

As Baba Ramdev and Anna moved into their respective sunsets, divinity was beckoning for attention down in Kerala.

With the vast amounts of unheard of wealth in terms of gold coins, gilded ropes and antiquities and innumerable ornaments of unimaginable value and worth- all eyes are now focussed on this-till-now-a-normal-temple at the Padmanabhaswamy Temple.

I have had the good fortune of visiting this temple some years ago during my short trip to Kerala with my friends from Pune. As the news about the wealth being found trickled in, I was agape in awe and wonder.

If this was what was found in some sealed vaults of a religious temple from those ages where piousness and honesty was a way of life, what would be the quantum that could be waiting to be unearthed from the vaults of our unscrupulous and dishonest netas!!!!!

Not wanting to go that path, this piece concentrates on what is being planned with this sudden turn of fortune for this temple.

The Maharaja of Travancore, His Highness Marthanda Varma has categorically maintained the stance that this wealth is Lord's wealth donated over the decades and centuries by the Royal Family to the temple and also by the Royal Guests to Travancore.

Not many are of this opinion and let us see some of the more interesting suggestions that have come up over this religious booty being found.

The Mammoothy-Mohanlal fan club have come up with the idea that a vast portion of the temple wealth be donated to these two demi-gods if they happen to lose or forfeit some component of their fortune in the recent IT raids.

Experts on Malayalam cinema have opined that the divine charity may just be able to replenish their undeclared wealth, if seized by the IT sleuths.

Behenji Su Shri Mayawati has made a request that UP should also get some part of this treasure which will be used for welfare and well being (whether Swayam Hitaaye Swayam Sukhaaye or Sarjan Hitaaye Sarjan Sukhaaye) is not something that is clear.

The plan is to construct Golden Statues of Kanshiram and Mayawati at every street corner and junction in UP.

Not to be left in the lurch, Suresh Kalmadi has also petitioned the Supreme Court with an injunction on any decision to be taken on the disbursement or usage of this treasure.

His plan is that this treasure be used to make so many gold medals and distribute among all the Indian atheletes that whether they win in the tournament or lose the same- they will definitely come back home with gold medals!!! Probably, he would be vindicated that he has done his duty of getting Gold for his players!!!

While all this furore was going on in full frenzy, the Government of Kerala was facing a different enigma - how to ensure the safety of this mammoth and unheard of wealth!!! What would stop any Government officer to connive with an entire set of people and siphone of a part of this wealth??

They have come up with a plan that they will use a significant amount of this wealth to create a separate army to protect this treasure and what part will be left after this expense will be used in the maintenance of this super-elite armed force!!!!!

There were some more claims to this treasure from the most unexpected quarters of India- from Laloojee to Sharad Pawar -each claiming some logic or rule to get a part of the booty.

One claim has suddenly found much favour with Bollywood as well - Mr. Bharat aka Manoj Kumar has claimed that he should be rewarded for his clairvoyance and that he had prophecised this years ago.

This just was the most bizarre claim till now until he was summoned in the courts and when asked for an explanation - he calmly played out a song from a cassette player - Mere desh ki dharti sona ugle, ugle heere moti - o mere desh ki dharti!!!!

After this bizarre turn of events (though Mr. Bharat's litigation was quashed by the courts!!!), there were noises made for sometime until one fine day.....

The special panel overseeing the management of this treasure received a special petition request that some part of the Gold unearthed should be given to this person as this impacted one of his basic constitutional right of Roti Kapda aur Makaan!!!!

The panel pondered a lot on this particular litigation and eventually decided that some component of this booty may be shared with this person so as to fulfil the basic trio necessities of life (food clothing and shelter).

So, in went this portly litigant and came out decked in some most artistically carved and designed jewellery.

No points in guessing.... he was Bappida!!!!!!

A contextual joke doing rounds on the internet is -

Rajinikanth also requests for the total inventory list of all the precious ornaments and gold that tumbled out of the Sri Padmanabhaswamy temple.

When the temple authorities requested Rajini to give reasons for his request - he calmly replied - I just want to share this with my wife so that she finds something from that list not in her wardrobe, I will have to get her the same.!!!!!

INDIA's FaSt TrAcK SuCceSs SaGa!!!!!!!

Hi All

The recent events unfolding over the last couple of days have seen some high drama across the National Capital. The Lok Pal initiative took gargantuan leaps. What started as a fast by Anna Hazare took an unprecedented turn when the Yoga guru Baba Ramdev also started an independent movement and a fast unto death against the existing corruption. I was just wondering why Baba was oblivious to corruption all along when he was busy building his multi-crore empire!!!

But, nonetheless, Baba's fast at Delhi's Ramlila maidan was met with a huge support and revelry by his lakhs of fans. Though this was an austere affair in the least sense of the word, the arrangements were truly world class. Air coolers, ceiling fans, lime juice bottles, bottled water bottles etc were all arranged by Baba's aides.

Though the Government was trying its best to avoid any face-offs or showdowns, Baba was not in a mood to relent. The eventual action was the icing on the cake (given the goof ups galore happening in the UPA Government after Adarsh, CWG, 2G etc). The police lathi charged the supporters and Baba was forcefully taken back to his den in Haridwar.

After all this drama and the dramatic events, I managed to speak to Baba when he had just broken his fast of 9 days in Haridwar.

Me - Hello Baba, so how are you doing today?

Baba - Beta, I am doing fine, a bit refreshed after breaking the fast but still a bit weak.

Me- Baba, everybody wants to know only one thing, what is it that you are demanding?

Baba - What kind of a question is this? The entire world knows what I am demanding?

Me- Ah, so is this about Income Tax Exemption for your other private companies?

Baba- Not only this, but also that India should be free of corruption and India should get all the black money stashed in Switzerland back.

Me- Baba, the first request of IT exemption is what I believed was the deal that you entered with the Government, but how can you eradicate corruption from the country?

Baba - It is very simple, one can eradicate corruption by doing my personalized asanas and pranayam!!!!!

Me- What!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Baba- People should practise Unbribasana each day, should consume Patanjali tonics like Greedetox for example. We have a huge portfolio of such prescriptions.

Me- How do you intend to address the issue of money lying in Swiss banks? There are questions raised by many critics that even you will be in trouble if and when this happens. Swiss banks have a legendary secrecy clause which is the cause of banks there being money havens.

Baba - I have a solution for that as well. First and foremost, I do not have any accounts in Swiss banks. They did not accept my application saying that my profession as a Sanyasi was not recognized by their government. I have accounts in Scotland and other places. I have only raised demands for bringing back money from Swiss banks. So, I am safe.

Secondly, I am planning to hold a shibir in Zureiche with a fast agitation in the couple of days. I will be addressing this issue on that platform.

Me - How do you propose to do this task?

Baba- Oh, that's very simple, I have an Ashram and a huge Yoga centre in Zureiche as well!!!!!

Me - Wow, Baba!!!!!! You have thought of everything!!!!!

I have one last question that everybody is wondering about - what did Sri Sri Ravishankar tell you that made you break your fast?

Baba - Oh, that s also very simple, SSR just showed me the TRP ratings of the TV channels and the breakdown of the coverage percentages. By the 8th day, most viewers had lost interest in my fast so I had to do something new. So I broke my fast and again secured millions of eyeballs!!!!!!

Sriky

Obama visits OSAMAbad!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Dear Chums,

It has now been over a year that Osama Bin Laden was shown the door from the planet by the US Navy Seals in an obscure military town base Abbottabad. The aftermath of this incident were very varied in nature, actions, procrastination, protests etc.

Never before were the relations between Pakistan and America so gingerly hanging in doubt.

Circa 2012…..
First and foremost, I am alive and hale and hearty and kicking, so all doomsayers predicting the end of the world in 2012- go and find some other date for an Armageddon.
There have been many changes in our immediate neighbourhood.

After the initial grudging and cribbing at all the international forums- Pakistan has come to terms with what happened on that fateful night. Pakistan has now resorted to – we always supported such initiatives rote.

Besides this, over the last 12 months, the following have been some of the interesting developments:-
Abbottabad is passé. The small military base town has been rechristened as Osamabad.It has become the most visited place in the planet over the last one year- surpassing the more conventional tourist destinations of London or Paris by huge margins.
Obamabad attracted more tourists than any other place.
The sleepy town has developed into a busy cosmopolitan city with a plethora of hotels, restaurants, bars etc.

The governance of the town is managed by a joint corporation of PLAGUE- Pakistan and League of Afghani Guerillas United Enterprise. This was formed under the aegis of the Pakistani Government and a Conglomerate of Afghanistan Government and Rural Warlords.

The now-famous residence of Osama Bin Laden has been renovated, extended and turned into a museum.

The museum houses a theatre playing the numerous video tapes recorded by Osama, an art gallery of his pictures, his guns etc.

The museum has a memorabilia and souvenir shopping center where Osama magnets, dummy guns etc are sold.

For a charge of 120 USD, visitors can don the robe and a beard and get their pictures taken against a backdrop of a desert wall. This has become a rage among the visitors.

Pakistani tourism has taken a stupendous leap after this was implemented.

The colloquial term used – Terror Tourism is being considered as the new mantra for travelers.

This is not all about it- the icing on the cake of this spectacular Terror Tourism is what was inaugurated by President Obama last week.

For a fee of 500 USD, visitors are taken to the US army base (now converted into a mini tourism centre itself) in Afghanistan, dressed up as Navy Seals and can actually experience the night that changed the world. Visitors can travel on US army stealth helicopters and enter a special zone of the museum where a miniature replica of the original house is created via ropes.

President Obama inaugurated this facility last week and this is what he had to say,” I hereby dedicate this facility to the betterment of Pakistan and Afghanistan Tourism industry. America has always maintained that our relations with both Pakistan and Afghanistan are strategic, important and very vital for our existence (non conformance may lead to more catastrophes). May this museum serve as a reminder to humanity of what consequences can result out of terror and terror-based organizations.”

In the evenings, there are cultural shows in which leading Pakistani artistes perform and enthrall the audience. Veena Malik is the official brand ambassador for PLAGUE and her classical performances (practiced and honed to the hilt in her Big Boss days) are sure hits.

Gastronomic delights like Barack Barfees, Laden Laddoos, Seal Kababs, Osama special platters pamper the visitors at the museum restaurant – Food Laden.

Though the Indian Government has been silent all along on this matter, there is a simmering discontent among the politicians on this sudden development in Pakistan.

The official statement that has come out from the GOI spokesperson was something like this – “We as an immediate neighbour of Pakistan are deeply happy about the prosperous turn in Pakistan’s fortunes. Now that Pakistan is moving into a road of self sufficiency and peace, we feel that the time is right for Pakistan to repay back the 500 Crore INR adjusted at today’s inflated rates which India had given in 1947.”
Sriky